Commuter Boy

AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That just about sums up my recent experience of England's FANTASTIC train system. £40 to travel on the rail equivalent of a push bike. If said push bike was slower. And colder. And full of annoying, vaguely psychopathic people. I would DEARLY love to be locked in a room with a selection of weaponry and the CEOs of both Virgin and South West Trains tied to a chair. Whimpering. Begging for mercy. And I would give them NONE!

Actually, what I'd really like is to confine them to an eternity of travelling standard class on their railway trains. Laugh as the baby vomits over them. Sneer as the announcement "we're extremely sorry for the severe delay to this service" comes over the PA while the scary drunk sharpens his knife and leers ominously at them.

Let me explain.

On Wednesday evening I had to travel to Cumbria (via an overnight stay in Preston) for a wedding (which was highly enjoyable). This neccessitates a trip on the infamous West Coast Main Line. Now I'm used to the legendary crapness of this service, hailing as I do from Blackpool, but working in London. However, on Wednesday, they surpassed themselves. First of all, I was allowed to book a train in advance from Euston, for the princely sum of £37 (apparently, despite booking three weeks in advance, the cheap tickets had all gone. I have been booking on these trains for four years and NEVER managed to get a cheap ticket, despite booking on occasion three months in advance). Anyway, they failed to tell me that Euston station was closed to long distance traffic. The nice people on National Rail Enquiries informed me of this after I rang the night before to make sure there was no delay. So I then found out that, instead of going direct from Euston, I would have to get a train from Marylebone to Banbury, chenge at Banbury, get a train to Stafford, change at Stafford, and then get a follow on to Preston. This journey takes about 5 hours, as opposed to the three it should have taken from Euston.

But with good grace, I made it to Marylebone, where I caught a hideously overcrowded local service (no replacement services laid on by Virgin, you note). The train left on time...and consequently broke down after 15 minutes. They kept us nicely informed, but this didn't help as the minutes ticked on. Eventually they fixed the fault on the train, and I arrived in Banbury 50 minutes late, having missed my connection.

So next I hopped on the next northbound train, which happened to be for Manchester. Now, Manchester is much easier to travel home from, (which begs the question why National Rail Enquiries didn't tell me about this). And it would have been easier, had the train not stopped for no reason. Several times. With no explanation. We saw the guard once, at which point he informed me "well, you can go to Manchester if you want, mate, but most of it's closed off due to a bike race" (at 8:30 in the evening?!!!!!!!!!). Anyway, by this point I'd arranged a lift from my dear sister from Manchester to Preston. And I would have loved to have told her we were running late, had we known. But instead, the first indication we were very late came when we went through Crewe 5 minutes before we were due to arrive in Manchester (note for Americans and other aliens - Crewe is NOT 5 minutes away from Manchester).

Upon arrival at Manchester, and having verified that the next train to Preston didn't get there until 20 past midnight, we left to discover that, contrary to what we were told, Manchester was very quiet, and not a single road was closed off due to a Bike Race, or anything. We eventually arrived at Preston at 11:30, six-and-a-half hours after we set off, but still 50 minutes quicker than if we'd stayed on the train.

Now normally, you would expect money back from a journey which should have taken three hours, but took nearer to seven. But Virgin Trains being Virgin Trains, I'll probably get a derisory 25% back (as has happened in the past - they always find a reason to wave their obligations to fee-paying passengers which are laid out in the Passenger's Charter). This time, I'm not going to take it though. I'm going to scweam and scweam until my head falls off...

Needless to say, for the return journey (Euston still being closed), I opted to drive back. More stressful, but reliable, on-time, and it only stops when you want it to.

And South West Trains? Well, I commute every day on them into Waterloo. There is what I have described as a black hole outside Waterloo, where trains get swallowed up (usually due to the fact that "we're waiting for a platform to become available" - for GOD'S SAKE, surely the same number of trains arrives every day - can they not do anything about this?!!!!!!). However, today this really took the p*ss. 20 minutes sat outside Waterloo station doing NOTHING! We could have walked there in that time. I know 20 minutes is nothing compared to say, ooo, 3 and a half hours, but proportionally, it's only a little less (for Maths Bods among you, the journey should take 25 minutes maximum).

So this is why I hate trains. And the thing is, it'll never get better unless the Passengers all go on strike. There really should be a general passenger strike on offending train companies - see how their CEOs like the fall in profits. i'm sure there are other ways we could get into work. Or perhaps everyone should take co-ordinated annual leave. But that's never going to happen. However, something needs to be done to show these fat little rich men that enough is enough, we will not take their cr*p any more.

Personally, I blame Thatcher (whenever anything is bad I always blame Satan's daughter).