When the Music's Over

After 45 years, it looks increasingly like the second-best jazz venue in London - one of the main reasons for me living where I do - will be closed.

Yes, it's true, The Bull's Head in Barnes has been served with a Noise Abatement Notice by Richmond Council. If it does not install suitable soundproofing by February 15th, this fantastic venue will be ordered to cease with putting on a live jazz show every evening.

Why?

I'll tell you why. Because someone has complained about the noise. 45 years of no-one complaining at all, a perfect example of entertainment and residential sectors working together in harmony. Then this cretinous individual decides to kick up a fuss, and all of a sudden, the future of live music in Barnes is threatened.

To be fair, it's not entirely the dense homeowner's fault. Richmond Council, that useless shower of bastards, elected to reclassify the area immediately surrounding The Bull's Head from a "light industrial" area to a "residential area". Consequently this allowed some compulsively-masturbating property developer to decide to build very hi-tech flats in the impossibly small amount of space between The Bull's Head and the nearest house.

These flats are absolute eyesores. They are totally out-of-place with the rest of the surroundings, and all of them have exhibitionist-style plate glass front walls overlooking the river. As a result, if you're slobbing in your dressing gown watching TV on your gigantic 28inch Sony screen, it means the plebs below can look up and marvel at the fact that you can afford such a comfortable flat with such a plush interior.

Alternatively, it means passers-by wander past and shout "Fucking Show-Off Wankers! NO-ONE CARES!!!!" at them. Because, yes, these are "executive apartments" - for which read "hopelessly small bedsits which cost ridiculously large sums of money so they're only affordable by accountants and compulsively-masturbating property developers".

To be fair, the majority of these exhibitionist "executives" haven't complained. No, the complaint is down to one person, S.F., who has bemoaned the fact that she can’t get to sleep because of the noise.

Now, apparently Ms F is pregnant. I pity for the child, because the mother is obviously an insane, and most importantly, deeply STUPID, individual. You would think that, if you're going to buy a house or a flat, you would research the area you're going to move into.

Clearly not Ms F however. She probably went "Ah, Barnes, sounds nice dunnit?" and splashed out ridiculous amounts of cash to buy the first flat she heard of there. Because if the stupid bint HAD done a bit of research she would have realised that "Oh yes, the flat I want to buy is situated next to a pub, therefore there may be some late night noise." Perhaps if she'd opened her tiny closed mind, she would have also realised that the pub was not any old pub, but one of the best and most popular jazz venues in the country. And it wouldn't have been too hard to go there and gauge the noise, given that they have a concert every night. And she would have realised that perhaps the noise would go on...ooo...maybe until pub closing time?

But no, because she couldn't be bothered getting off her lazy arse to actually find any of this out, she moved in and decided to complain, thus ensuring that many hundreds of peoples' entertainment and happiness would be compromised. What a truly selfish and inconsiderate muppet.

I'm giving the daft bint quite a lot of abuse, but really, it's the Council's fault. That bunch of in-bred, self-flagellating, upper class MORONS decided that cash was more important than common sense and flogged the land to developers in the first place.

There's a special place in Hell for greedy people like Richmond Council. It's in a room with Ms F and that fucking wanker from South West Trains yesterday, being tortured for all eternity with dentists' drills, broken glass, TCP and Celine Dion.

Burn in Hades you bastards. I'll be standing there laughing in your crying faces.